Bad Fan / Good Fan
FOLKS! FC Cincinnati isn’t having the best go of it on the field lately. Let’s be honest, it’s much easier to be a fan when the goings are good, and I’ve noticed some people struggling with how to lawfully and coherently respond to our current situation. Well dry your eyes, because I’m turning seven of the most common Bad Fan ideas into Good Fan ideas.
1. A Dozen Rotten Thoughts
You’re raging at home after another tough FCC loss. Naturally, you text that one friend who is way too familiar with the inner workings of 4chan and the dark side of the world wide web. You ask him to find you the player’s home addresses, and of course he doesn’t even blink an eye. Without even knowing how you got there, you find yourself in Kroger’s at 3am, buying eggs to launch at their homes. “This will show them they suck, and they need to be better” you mumble to no one. The fact most live in apartment complexes you may not be able to access means nothing; these players will pay with egg…
You buy a moveable kitchen island from IKEA and volunteer to set up an omelette station at the nearest retirement home. You’ll bask in the adoration of the golden generation as you crack egg after egg for Gertrude and Thomas. They don’t even know FCC exists, and right now that’s what you need.
2. Sign Here For Change
You send out a tweet: “Starting a petition to have Adi cut from the team and the entire front office removed from the city”. Joe_Blow gives it a like and Stevie69 even retweets it. “I’m on to something” you mistakenly think. Before you know it, you’ve made a Reddit post and started setting up the petition online. You text your friend who only follows college football, and he says “Hell yeah!”. The outside world thinks you look deranged, but at least TJ is enthused.
You start a petition for more lactation rooms inside Nippert stadium. Does Nippert have enough currently? Irrelevant. People will not be able to resist signing it, and a milquetoast (eh?) petition is just what the doctor ordered. The club will create one more lactation station, you’ll feel great, and mother’s will have another spot to nourish their tiny little angels. BIG WIN!
3. Acknowledge Me at ALL TIMES!
Uh oh, we’re tweeting again… Only this time you’ve tagged half of the roster to let them know “You suck and need to APOLOGIZE to the fans and this city!”. The players are trying to sleep on the flight, but their phones are buzzing with notifications. Now they’re reading your insults, and the insults of everyone in the replies; mostly pot shots and grotesque personal digs. This is change you can believe in. The players, feeling the animus and hatred of their own fans, are now inspired to perform at their maximum ability.
Read all your Twitter drafts to your Mom and Dad before sending them out. You’ll practically hear their eyes rolling over the phone. They sacrificed so much for you, and now you’re using all the gifts given by them to attack athletes on the internet. Suddenly you feel the cool touch of an old friend: shame. It’s been a long time hasn’t it? There was no time for shame during FCC’s meteoric rise to MLS. There is time now, and you should be ashamed. Bathe in that feeling, then drip dry in a cold basement. Don’t use a towel.
4. ...AND I’M NEVER GOING AGAIN!
You call your season ticket rep and demand she cancel your tickets.
“Well there's nothing I can do about this season, but I can cancel your priority spot for future tickets” she says.
“Well I don't wanna lose my spot in line for the new stadium!”
“Sir I'm not sure what else I can do for you than”
“Know what lady?? You're cancelled!” (hangs up phone)
I bet you feel better already!
Park your car downtown on the street. Leave it there for several days, and upon returning you'll find now YOU are getting tickets. Possibly dozens!!! It's about time you got rewarded for doing nothing. Bonus points: paying your parking tickets helps with local infrastructure. Bad fan reading good fan section says “wait this doesn't make sense, I paid for season tickets!”. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
5. I’D RATHER WEAR LADY GAGA’S MEAT DRESS
It's the day after another FCC loss and your headed to the gym. You love how your tri-blend Gary shirt feels, but you're embarrassed to support the team publicly. Instead you grab a plain gray shirt and hope someone notices. If they do, you get to explain your decision to silently protest and how gearing up is only appropriate when the team shows the passion you crave. They may look at you with bemused sadness, but you know they’re impressed. Cincy ‘til I die, but my shirt says otherwise.
Take off all your clothes. Have you ever been more pure than the day you were born? Walking down the block fully nude is the perfect way to embrace the futility of life and the strange constructs we put around self image re: connection to local sports team. People will respect you, and I guarantee you won't get a single FCC related question.
6. I’m Hungry!
Let’s go to Goldstar
Stay home and make Johnsonville brand brats on the grill.
7. You Musn’t Mean Me??
Wow, another gatekeeper telling me how to be a fan.